Profiles
In Courage
CHRIS
MATSUOKA
People Against ICE (PA`I)
A
mother's worst nightmare is that the children she bares will not live
to see the sunrise tomorrow. When I first learned that my two youngest
son's were using crystal methamphetamine, "ice," the earth
opened up from beneath me and I sunk into a bottomless pit of blame
and self-bashing. I had spent eight years following my divorce, trying
to "find" myself, with no real direction, just a lot of chaos
and confusion. This left my kids vulnerable to what's out there in the
real world. I had let them slip through the cracks and into the world
of drugs. What is it they say about "hind sight?" If only
I had done things differently, my boys may not have turned to drugs
to ease their pain. If only I wasn't so consumed in self pity, my boys
may have been spared all the needless grief they had to endure alone.
If only I had been a better mother. If only this and if only that. My
list of "if only" could take a life time to jot
down.
 The
past year has been a struggle trying to save my sons' lives. There's
just no way that I could ever take back all of the mistakes I have amde.
All I can do is be there for them now. In a weird sort of way, being
there for them has meant that I had to set fules for them and I had
to stick to it! The rules in my case meant that I would not allow my
sons' to use drugs in my home nor would I put up with their out of control
behavior. The battle that ensued after laying down the rules, took the
form of me being a full time warden. If they got caught using drugs,
I called the police and filed a report against them. If any drugs or
paraphernalia were found in the house, I called the police again. If
they started "tweaking" after using drugs, which usually took
the form of agitation and aggression toward me, I called the police
again and again and again! I began to draw weary from having to repair
walls, doors and windows. Their delusions, paranoia and hallucinations
were getting worse
after each episode. I became more and more afraid that my kids would
kill me one day, if not themselves. I have devoted myself completely
to my boys recovery, despite the fact that their sobriety is dependent
on them wanting it and has nothing to do with me wanting it for them.
I have been going to a special kind of support group which is attended
by alcoholics, drug addicts and family members and friends that are
enablers like myself. The program follows the 12-steps of AA (Alcoholics
Anonymous), but is different in that we all meet under the same roof
and openly share our stories. A real healing takes place when an addict
can relate to your story and have compassion for you. And by the same
token, I have come to better understand the addict who is in such despair
on their journey to sobriety. Although I can never fully appreciate
what the addict is experiencing, I can show compassion and acceptance
for another human being.
 In
the months that have passed since attending my first support group meeting,
I have learned to stop fixating on my boy's addiction and have started
to do some positive things in my life. It's not to say that things are
getting any easier for me or that I've given up on my sons. If you're
reading this, then you'll know that this is a big step in a positive
direction for me. Rather than sit at home and cry over all my woes,
I have chosen to help myself by helping others. I printed up some personal
business cards and have taken my story to my community. I share my story
of grief, and my story of triumph in fighting against "ice."
I have met many families along the way who need help in dealing with
their addict(s) and many more families that are raising their grandchildren,
some who are born addicted to drugs. I've been surprised by all the
people who stop me in the streets, in restaurants, in airplanes or call
me on the phone. Many just want to lend their support. Others cry out
for help! PA'I is more than just People Against "Ice." PA'I
is about "People Helping People."
Sharing
my story is my way of gibing back to all those people who have helped
me survive my ordeal, "One Day At A Time."
Visit
us at www.paikona.com.
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